Memories - An Analysis

I construct my own past. There’s no truth in it. Though I write about the life I lived I write as an outsider of my own body. 

Memories are chaotic in nature. They are not linear in structure. It’s amazing to see its galaxical nature or neuronal nature. One feature I am satisfied with my memories is its colourfulness. All my memories are coloured. I see yellow, blue, green, sparkling colours. All are interconnected, entangled more like a firework. 

I try to disentangle them to know more about me. But, it evades me to turn into complicated neural circuits. I stand watching them communicating with each other and at some moments, they become one, which reminds me of consensual meditational orgies. I am left alone, isolated by my own memories. I am left to write or construct my own past as a stranger who is unable to comprehend the things that happened in my own past. Thus, the constructed defined shaped past is a myth. I’d say, memories are mythical creatures. They are unreal, yet real. But, I want you reader, to assume it was real. 

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I see you out there, tormenting me. Sometimes, I hide from you but I see you as a globular spirited living being scurrying around in search of me. I see you from my hideaway anxiously waiting for my right moment and confront you. I hide from you to feel you in my right disposition. Though you trouble me, I crave for you all the time. I groom myself well before I meet you like I freshen up well before I meet my lovers for the first time. 

Memories, I own you. I am your creator. I let you be undefined so that I can give you shapes. You failed in knowing me. I am a structuralist using the substances of post-structuralism. 

Letter 3

 A Love Song for you 

Dear Sam

This would be the first and last love song I am writing for you. 

I remember you. 

You remind me of the long bygone memories. 

With you, I see the countless ages that are yet to come. 

With you, I hear the rustling of leaves sitting in our small little room. 

It is with you, I smell with my tongue. 

I remember you. 

Now all I can do is to remember you. 

I remember our time with earnest love. 

I can’t catch hold of it,  it escapes me. 

It eludes my ardent love, leaves me defenseless.

I remember you. 

Memories define you. 

It lies to me. I see things that were not felt. 

It exaggerates to me. I feel things that were not seen. 

It gives me you, my only possession. 

Yet, I cannot possess you. I am without you now. 

I remember you. 

That’s all I want. Yet, I don’t know who you are.

Letter 2

 

I imagine you smiling while reading this. The smile that is devoid of passions but unapologetically serene. 

Isn’t it amazing to experience waking up to the presence of someone with whom you’ve never slept with or rather lived with. I’ve been experiencing it for the past few days and it’s truly beautiful. The tangled emotions to which I open my senses early morning provide me with an alternate reality. A reality that is transient, abstract, yet seems very undying and concrete. I feel complete during these moments but when I realize it’s a world that’s happening only inside my head, I feel intense pain. But, I think now, why do we want to cling to these pleasurable moments. Why can’t we just experience it to the fullest and then experience another reality that can or cannot be intensely beautiful than this. There are endless realities that can happen in our heads. Why are we not letting ourselves feel the taste of it? Why are we afraid of losing it? If we leave moments after experiencing it to the fullest, pain won’t follow us as a tormented animal. I am doing that and I wish the same with you. 

Let me say more about myself. I am in extreme calm when I lay open my emotions through writings. And I also think I feel extremely elated when I am in power and I feel insanely vulnerable when I am in love. As you said, I will try to do things that make me happy. I am in search of those concrete or abstract entities that make me happy. I cannot say I was happy when I was with you for those couple of hours but rather my mind was elated. If we call that happiness, I am sure I will fall into the clutches of passions again. 

I wish you happiness and peace in your life too. I understand we are two different individuals and our lives are so unlike each other but somewhere the lines collided, exchanged the news they heard till then and they parted from each other. They’ve their own destinations to reach and they’re aware of the consequences if they try to stop their journeys and rest. They wish to meet each other again at some point in time and exchange news but with time the wishes will just fade away from their thoughts. Rather than fading away, the wishes will be buried deep inside with the accumulation of more powerful wishes and passions. 

But, who wouldn’t be delighted if surprises happen when it’s least expected  !!

Love Letters to Sam

Letter 1

Dear Sam, 

I am squeezed and choked by the words you throw at me. I anticipate death in every encounter with you. But, it ends up with me being excited to an orgasmic level. I am tired but I expel wordlings from my body. It dances to the rhythm of unheard music with the strings of lust. Oh, mine! I am totally defenseless to your words. I am elevated to the peak and reduced to a dust particle at the same time when I listen to your voice. 

All I want is to be away and be with you at the same time. 

I am in love. 

Yours. 

Was/Is/Because

 Was

Water was 

I

flowed 

Adrift 

Fluidity was mine

I 

morphed

Protean

Box loathed 

I

Defied 

Resistance 

Transgression was mine 

I 

Breached 

Insubordination 

Is

River am 

I

Flowed 

Purposeful 

Stability is mine 

I 

Morphed 

Certain 

Cradle craves

I 

Defied 

Prudent 

Compliance is mine 

I 

Breached 

Considerate 

Because 

Cause is you

Concealed was you 

Female Kindness

Kindness, you’re not being kind, for

if you were, 

I’d never been sitting here with hope, for

Her. 

The one with sparkles in her eyes and

moistened lips when 

branched out sights the alluring teeth

the one when opens her hair puts me 

defenseless

Her. 

Whose smile

casts off my troubled thoughts 

who when listens 

feel at one with the speaker 

who when speaks 

comes together with the listener

She. 

She petrifies you 

with her spell 

stay away from her for 

she is obsessional and 

inescapable

You.

I am none without you for

you are my reality

I live in you for 

I am you, female kindness.

A simple casual fling

 She told me she doesn’t understand complexities

I told her in a simple sentence

I was hurt by her words

That her words always misled me 

That I could see the desire in her eyes

Her eyes twinkled and dimmed when she said

I never had desires for me 

I said we were exchanging feelings from two platforms of realities

Reality 1: Her reality and feelings associated with it 

Reality 2: My reality  and feelings associated with it 

We decided to exchanges our feelings standing on two hills

We didn’t see the lack of bridge in spite of the distance

When we decided to see each other

We fell together into the sea of chaos 

Now she realises the choking effect of depth 

How the swirling depth leave us to our third reality

A new reality formed after the chaos, a desert.